leave or stay?

Its been really killing me when ever I bring this question to thought
The question that comes to my mind is that, I plan to migrate to another country, I haven't placed which country that I'll be going off to but, I'll migrate to another place, but there are always obstacles, some that keep on bugging me. I asked a couple of friends about migrating and what will happen to my Malaysian citizenship, one of them gave me a reply, Mr. Howard, that if I forfeit my Malaysian citizenship, I'll never ever have the chance to gain it back. I'm not so sure about this but the thought of not being able to return to Malaysia has really troubled me in giving me a final say in it. I'm sure some of you may think that I'm crazy but, I'm not.

The truth is, I no longer have the feeling of longing to go home, I've lost what it feels like to come back home, the warmth, the happiness, that happy gut feeling, I just live to live another day. I go to sleep every night, when I wake up in the morning, there's that emptiness that I feel everytime, eventhough I pray, it still feels the same, something is just missing, it won't go away.

my parents no longer understand me, or they never understood me at all, even when they still controled my choice in my Uni offers, it was just the last straw for me. I warned them that their decision has consumed me, changing me into the opposite person who I was. I used to strive for peace, now I'm man who thirsts for revenge, bloodshed. Why do I have to obey my father's pride, this is my fucking future if you ever cared. SO what , your telling me its a waste of time, what difference was it during your time and mine, you think times now are just the same as it was? How the hell should I know if I never experienced it, and one more thing, things now are different.

Now you can see whats been consuming my mind from thnking rationally, I'm just consumed by rage, the fury to take a life. A couple of years back, I already questioned myself, why am I doing all of this, I no longer know why am I doing the things that I do anymore, why do I rush to one place to another, like an endless marathon. I just live to see my maker eventually at the end of my life.

I have lost this resolve to continue life with this cause for greater good, but this fuming oppositon in me is making its way to take over my life, replacing my mind for world destruction, Just thinking of it makes me feel thats its a more greater cause, but seeing these young children after me, seeing how innocent they live their life, maybe I just wish I could protect it from being corrupted by the vast evil in the world, created by our own selves. Maybe something I'm turning into, the evil that I oppose, maybe I'm suppose to become a part of it.

If I migrate, I pretty sure know this that I must leave everything behind, everything that I known for these 11 years in Malaysia. I won't have the chance to see my parents, see them live their life through their retirement at ease, or even to see them rest peacefully for their afterlife. I won't get to see Pei Yue go to school, or even see her grow up. I won't even know what would happen to my own siblings. I wouldn't know if my elder brother and sister have started their own family and if my little sister can even stand on her own feet.


I just want to start a new slide of my life, somewhere new, somewhere I never knew, somewhere where nobody doesn't even know me and where I don't know anyone. To start white. Maybe so that I can straighten my mind, have everything maped out?

Wei Jiea, told me to think it twice.. Its a tough decision to make.

They say when people leave a pleace, they mean that their trying to find their answer in life..
the way I see it, maybe its just another excuse to run away, running away from something that they themselves maybe aren't sure of. Their very own answers were most probably right infront of them, at the very place where they ran from. Guess they were blinded from seeing it.

I myself am not sure what I'm trying to run away from, If I try to accept it, I'm not even sure what the heck it is, or even where to start.

For I am damaged. heart and soul.

lagophthalmos

I always wondered why my eyes were dry and red, even though I've already applied some eye moisture products and had enough sleep...

the thing is that...


I SLEEP WITH MY EYES OPEN