your hapiness comes first

this post was origionally meant for the 1st of November 2007

I convey these thoughts of mine

to this woman

I am sorry that I am being really shelfish to you

but I can't seem to accept you

as a

friend

any more

because I love you

too much

and

I can't seem to let you go..

I can't seem to find a reason to hate

nor can I forget thee


if i see you

hear you

touch you

it'll only increase my hunger

of missing you

desiring you


I can never

have thee

for my keeping


these past few years

I denied what my feelings really meant

uncertain

from what was my hardened heart

desiring for


only when that short gap of time

of your absence in my life

I worry about you

think about you

I missed you

I began to see

my desire for thee


I was uncertain

why I began to be drawn

towards thee

was it because

time was running out


on me?

I feel angry at myself

for not doing so

earlier in the years

where I had the chance

to see thee

everyday


but

there is no use

time that is gone

can never return


neither can I now

I have the path

where I will never

see the daylight

of your eyes


never to see

never to hear

never to feel

such

emotions

expressions

feellings

that fill thee with life

I wish to see thee

ageing beside

me

together

living this life



my love for thee is blind

nor can I make it appear to your heart

cintaku hanya bertepuk sebelah bahu sahaja

ku tak dapat lepaskan dikau

ku mesti lenyap dari hidupmu

ku tidak rela

现在@生活...

乱七八糟的桌子

该记录日期通道尽快，越接近年底，越爽

好运魅力

the darkness ahead of me

as I grow older

I

become more, and more darker

as in character

or is it that I have become too mature at my age

i'm 17 going to turn 18 soon

but I don't even act my age

i'm seen as someone 3X more older than me

if I lie that i'm 25, I possibly could get away with it

influence of SEX, DRUGS, DUST, POWER, WOMEN, SATAN, ETC.

and my rage is kinda getting out of hand

like the saying

"orang muda berdarah panas"

hot-blood

I am trying my best to control myself

certain things that I do

is really destroying my life

I guess this part doesn't make sense

I do know that I do have bugis bloodline, which is a pirate clan, for example the pirates of the caribbean,

and they are also known for their savageness

i'm not sure it has anything to do with my rising temper

could be but not full-proof

what's more, just recently found out that my grandfather and his siblings..

really did practice certain pirate magic

but i'm not sure what medium they used

I remember being told it was locked in chest somewhere.

It was used for invulnerability/"kebal" or something else

I remember one of my relatives being in crash and survived without a scratch

but when it came for his time to go

he couldn't pass away at ease

the counter back of practicing certain magic

you need a successor to pass it onto..

perhaps i'm cursed by that magic.

the thing will might find me as a host.

lol

well the savior at hand is myself, my faith and my religion.