facebook

finally

I brought myself to make a facebook account

yea yea

it ain't something new

I really dunno how to use it

friend no1 said its "FUU-YOh!!! nice, gerek sial!!"

and friend no2 said " it sucks"

and I go with friend no2

the first time I used the thing, I clicky clicky here and there

duno what I'm doing

got too many features

I went from " oh like this, ok then"

to

"oh shit! wtf? why I put her there? wth did I just sent her?"

and the rest is history, despite that, I went and poked and kissed people randomly, iduncarelah.
saw one of my friends acc, she's older than me btw, but to my horror she posted a pic of her that I wouldn't see her in public in it. To cut the cahse, WTH WARAGHGHGGGHHHHHHH!!! crap larh I can't get that damn picture out of my head, I know she's a part time model but, I dont know lah.. a normal man would probably be aroused, but to me, ITS DAMN RIGHT WRONG, I know the person, it justs, it just feels wrong I tell you.wrong.

one more thing

I saw the profile of the woman that I am trying to get over with

its funny

when realized I have forgotten her but just when I see her, even just her name, I'm just proven wrong, right on the spot.

my iris enlarged, I get this funny warm feeling starting from my belly, shoots towards my torso and up into my head. My heart elevated, an adrenaline rush. I felt HAPPY. I felt GLAD.

but in a split second I thought back. She won't love you, not a chance. I keep telling myself that, but to no avail, it doesn't kicks in.

even there were many profiles with the same name, I clicked this one and I knew it was her.

when I'm just passing by a particular place, someone told me she was there a while ago and I just missed her, I had a gut feeling that she was nearby. I don't know why I feel it. Why do I even feel her presence.

I've restrained myself from contacting her, from trying to know how she is, how is her health, is she doing ok? is her boyfriend treating her well? can she face her studies well or not? Even sending a birthday message and showing my concern for her, I'm taken aback, and when she wishes me a happy birthday, I quickly give her a taste of my acid tounge. It pains me because, after all I could possibly be hurting her feelings

I guess the way I am trying to get over her, is not even a good method, severing ties, making her hate me so that I can't have, be near her.. its going to take a toll on me, a big one I think.

I know her friends, they know me, I know her siblings and her siblings know me, I know her mother and she knows who am I. But I don't know her father, didn't get the chance to talk to the man just a few bump ins but that wouldn't make it, but guessing this, her father probably knows me as well.

when you remember something, your brain responds by turning it into your memory. You'll remember it if you;

frequently remembering it
doing things that keeps you reminded of such a thing
make a memento or a keepsake to remember
think about it
and etc.

we humans can remember a lot of things but why don't we remember them? is it because, we never make ourselves to be even reminded about this particular detail, this particular memory?

that is the key

I am quickly reminded about this

a quote from the magazine"to grow up is to forget"

I can't see a picture of her, just because I will miss her

I can't see her name, because I will think of her

I can't hear her voice, because I'll be reminded of her

I can't know how she feels, because my heart will be torn.

because I cherish her

I hate facebook.

tacky

haih..

havin a or maybe a headache from teaching my mom on how to use the computer.

last time the com was equipped with microsoft office 2003™, she normally did her work using it.

but she had "trouble" using the features to get her work done. She'd always ask me ; "macam mana nak guna ini?" "apa ni?!!! tak boleh ke bawah? mak dah tekan beberapa kali dah" "eh, DAH HILANG KERJA MAK?".. and so on lah

now I upgrade it to microsoft office 2007™ because I needed to do my assignments and it had a lot more features and an easier layout, so, you know the drill.

but now she can get the hang of it

but she always forget to check her pendrive for viruses... 妈妈, 我爱你 . . .(=_=\\

I feel good

today I did something that I never did for a long time

all I did was

I sat in the rain

I enjoyed it

the cool breeze

the rain

the wet grass

I lied down on the wet ground

inhaled the fresh air

the natural feeling of everything

well I was barefoot not naked

it felt really good

its been a long time since I felt something good about myself.


but to contrast from all of that

my dad's relative passed away today

he lives nearby my area.

jln mohd amin there

going to visit anyway.

turning 18 is a sign i'll be wearing black throughout the year. Going to have to expect a lot more of something like this to happen in near future.

what a good day

well today I went out and I met my brothers of 6rsn1 at plaza pelangi, to get some mathematics T notes.(well I've been asking a lot of people and I got no replies, sad). Met up Long Shing, Yi Xiang and Shi Jie at McD, chat for a while only didn't have much time ' cause they had PA tuition later on. Anyway, I gila and follow and walk them up to omega and into their class. Anyway, if anyone of you were there and didn't notice, I was wearing an orange collar shirt with funky designs+some chinese characters that I can't make out and jeans. Well I hurried back as I realized that I was no longer needed there, well could have stayed and said hello to En. Amran, but nah. Anyway on my way out to from pelangi the machine kept on rejecting my ticket.. the machine got problem inside and on my way back.. took a lot of wrong turns.. haven't been to that area for a long time.. so blame myself larh. I also sped a red light, couldn't help it, I had my eye on the road not the traffic light.. I just noticed that t it was red only when I passed the something what you call it the line where you stop when the light goes red. Couldn't stop in time...

AND my neighbor got robbed, I don't how many times edi, but this is the worst leh

as you can see from the pictures, there are signs of using equipment to break in. This isn't any ordinary crack head that broke in, these are the work of pros.

its was kinda all to coincided, my neighbor had a lot of new things in their possession such jewelry, computer's, passports and etc. The husband was away at SG at the time, it seemed that it was all planned, not just any random robbing spree. The wife broke down into tears when she arrived at the scene, haih.. but her relatives were there to see what happened and console her at the time. Stayed to give a statement of the robbery but didn't help much, the only info that was at my hands were that the vehicle of the robbers was a dark suv, most probably a kembara, its color was dark green/black and there were two of them, they appeared to look like malay in appearance. Well the police sure did a quick job, saw one of them holding a brief case full with forensic items.

well its really hard to say

a quite neighbourhood = safe , I don't think so.

its not that quite, can hear crickets everyday, mostly at night.

Depression

沮丧的

我不能帮助否认我的问题
我需要让去
但是。。
它似乎是我不想要到
它使我痛苦
每天
它正在拆开我的思想和灵魂
没有任何的机会补缀在
当他们是无法解决的时候，
我真的憎恨事物
我应该没有停止为那些叁加 f 6 持续几天
我感觉像我逃离她
我认识她将会拒绝我,甚至在她真的做之前
因为我认识我不会被她的身边是不再，
所以那时我想要她拒绝我
我没有期待像这一样的一个结果
我仍然与她相恋?
因为你知道, 当一个人喜欢另外的一个人的时候
如此的感觉能容易地拒绝当不想要的
但是。。
她偷了我的心
因为这我仅仅被悲伤
当曾经我见到一张她的照片的时候。。
我将试着得到它
当我了解的时候我做了什么
我见到。。
一个她的收集
她的微笑。。
她的眼睛。。

我正在做的
不很好

当人告诉我她不和某人在一起的时候，我憎恨它
当她告诉我直线她和某人在一起的时候。

她所说的话在我的思想中接替
"I'm with someone else, so its not possible between us"
但是她的声音声音正在时尚。

她的我有的较多照片的堆..
我了解。。
我将会仍然做一件如此的事物直到她的死亡时候吗?
收集照片, 使～相等她有她自己的家庭关心?
一个家庭, 我是不部份。

我需要停止

我一定停止这。。

我必须住接受这

我必须继续

我必须面对她
因为她是我的恐惧

what I fear could be
is that i'm afraid to lose her
but I already lost her
so what is there to hold onto?

Satu-satunya cara yang aku dapat
melepaskannya adalah dengan membenci akan dia
tetapi masalahnya
tiada kebencian dalam diriku terhadapnya
tetapi selama ini, aku hanya membuat dia membenci diri aku aje
adakah ini sahaja cara yang berkesan?
memutuskan terus pertalian dengan dia?
mungkin, tapi bukan yang terbaik.
aku tak mahu menyakiti dia.
kan senang kalau aku langsung terus tak jumpa dia dalam hidup aku?
tapi tanpa kehadiran dia,
mungkin dah lama aku melepaskan daya untuk membina masa hadapan aku.

aku tak tahu apa yang aku mesti lakukan.

all I know I must move on.

danga bay

danga bay at night

@18

on the 2nd of November 2007, at the time 3:13pm

I have turned 18 years old

well its long pass my birthday, and I didn't have the time to mention it

I thank everyone for conveying their wishes to me

I myself wasn't even aware that it was my own birthday..

could it been because i'd stop celebrating it? the last time I celebrated was.. 6 years ago? back in primary6? vauge, my memory that is. Side effects of becoming old. an old man, yea.. a lonely grumpy old man.. the hell with it. I don't have that much time left to live anyway. My birthday, just became another day, passing in my life, how sad.

it is amazing that I am already 18, but I am still alive. My heart is still kicking, it hasn't gave up on me.

anyway

I thank the people who wished me a happy birthday:

my bimbo sister
my brother
my mom
amira(wow! you knew, wth?!)
KimLeong(I wan my free lunch, lol)
WeiJiea(wah so short..)
JiaHao(wah? you also know?)
LekWen(didn't expect it getting it from you)
JiaChang(same thing with LekWen)
JinChiat(no need to welcome me to the adult world, people have already been treating me like one before Iwas even 18..)
ZhiQi(surprised anyway, but really had a hard time processing the mixed feeling I had at the time, probably your first and last? was cramming for finals anyway.)

and to eveyone else that didn't wish me,

so what, you guys didn't even know when I was born, so nothing at fault here

you can still wish me in the possible futures that'll come

well I have a short life, so its better to live it as the best that I can.

oh and during the time before this post, there were other bitrthdays that occured:

ZhiQi's
JiaChang's
ChaoTian's
MY OWN DAD's

ok, I can't remember at the moment but please forgive me if I can't, I will try to remember, I am a man of my word.

and Upcoming is my own MOM's b-day, so gotta get something, bye.

biology

as an ex-pure science student

I will admit this

I MISS BIOLOGY

well I do love maths but somehow, there isn't something similiar like bio

what goes in and out of my blood vessels

what can influnece the effectiveness of my neurons

and bla bla.

especially what I'm learning here are just stuff relevent to the law of physics

P=I^2R

P=V^2/R

mechanics

its get really damn boring..

how could this happen?

a creative student turned into a technical student overnight?

I can't possibly figure out how my dominant brain influence suddenly changed sides.

I was originaly, a right-brained influence person, now my left brain is more dominant.

well thats it, I'm not sure what to do about this, I can't fret like a baby,

what has been done cannot be undone

so say this to myself "STICK UP WITH IT, BICtHASS".

yea, i'm stubborn, really.

SHRINK, I really need to go to one.

ouch and I really need to sort my brain out after reading this.. guess I need to retake my steps for my future..

how tragic

new flavor

but

RM0.50=RM0.60